Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
