very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I didn't notice because vodka
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
