I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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