if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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