I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
