I will die if light touches me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
