my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize