the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
