Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
