i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
