i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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