Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
