the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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