i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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