my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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