So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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