i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
