my mouth tastes like poor choices
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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