wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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