Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
