I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
