I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
