I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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