I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
