Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize