She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
