my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
