There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize