Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
