oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
