She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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