I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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