Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
