As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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