So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
