I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
