I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
