hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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