He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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