What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
