I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
