I met the friendliest cop last night
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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