we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
