just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
