A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
