remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
