just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
