she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
