Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
