People with herpes should wear stickers.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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