I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
