He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
