Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize