You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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