Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
