Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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